Experts’ Advice on How to End an Emotional Affair
Once you recognize your involvement in an emotional affair, you can figure out the best steps to end it. Those steps are ultimately based on how you’re connected to your illicit partner, “and the impact that their actions could potentially have on them and others around you,” Coleman tells MyLifetime.
First, Coleman suggests, set your boundaries accordingly—and clearly. If you’re in a situation where you have to see this person on a regular basis, like at work, you can set a rule about not interacting outside of work scenarios. This could mean cutting off “after-work texts, even ones related strictly to work, meeting for lunch—even a working lunch—or at company events and happy hours.”
The same goes if the nature of your relationship includes partners in some capacity, such as both of you being part of a larger friend group. “You would have to be mindful of any shift in the tone or temperature of their usual interaction, as others could—and often do—notice,” Coleman says.
If you’re involved with a family member, like a brother-in-law, this might be even more challenging, which makes the boundaries all the more important. Maybe you agree not to sit together at Thanksgiving, or you communicate only if necessary and through family group chats.
Once you’ve thought about what’s reasonable, it’s “important to have an upfront and frank discussion about the need for specific boundaries around their interactions and ground rules to achieve them,” Coleman says.
But if you can simply cut ties—say the affair was with a casual acquaintance or someone your family doesn’t know well—then do so.
“In all these instances, a no-contact rule is not only easiest, it is the best choice for ending something that can be difficult to manage when interactions are more frequent or expected,” Coleman says. This can also help keep you from backsliding into old habits.
Should You Tell Your Spouse About Your Emotional Affair?
Off the bat, if there’s any chance at all that your significant other would find out from anyone besides you—be it an email thread, a text sent to the wrong person or a third party who found out—then it’s best to tell the truth, Coleman says.
Aside from that, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. If you’ve made a firm commitment to end it and there’s no chance your spouse or long-term partner will learn about it, fessing up “may cause unnecessary harm to your relationship with no real benefit in doing so,” Coleman says. It might feel good to get it off your chest or give in to the urge to confess, but the consequence might be an enormous loss of trust in your relationship…if not a divorce, she adds.
If you’re going to tell the truth, do it in a manner that’s completely up-front, honest and full of genuine remorse. And expect that a partner often wants details. “They ask hard questions and want every small thing that was said and done [to be] disclosed,” Coleman says. “This is not because they are seeking more hurt or trying to make their partner feel worse, but because they need to know that their partner is being completely transparent.”
Some experts say sharing specific details can do more harm than good. Instead, what’s most central to your partnership is that you’re truly sorry, and fully invested in making the relationship satisfying, fulfilling and connected.
How to Move Forward After an Emotional Affair
First, it helps to think about why the emotional affair started. “Have a talk, first with yourself, about what is missing in your primary relationship,” Dr. Tessina says.
Once you understand what drove you to the emotional affair, you can figure out how to get those needs met. “The work turns to finding ways to improve that connection, rekindle old feelings that may have faded and learn to talk again, like real friends,” Coleman says.
That can be easier said than done, especially if you’re grown apart, and you might need to consider a couples counselor. “If you have had counseling, and it hasn’t improved matters, figure out why,” Dr. Tessina says. “Maybe you need a different counselor, or maybe you need to let your partner know that if they are not willing to change things, the relationship may be over.”
And remember, it’s OK to feel like you’re grieving. You are mourning the end of a relationship with someone who’d grown important to you. Dr. Tessina guides clients through this by expressing how important the affair felt, and expressing sadness over the loss. She recommends processing it through the classic stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Ultimately, this chapter should close with greater clarity on what you want and genuinely need—whether it’s the relationship you have with your significant other, the possibility of a new one in time or perhaps more space to be with yourself.
“You may have to face that the primary relationship is over, but the right way to do things is end the primary relationship and then look for someone who can really be a partner with you,” Dr. Tessina says. “It may mean you need to mature emotionally, and take responsibility for how you’re handling your relationships.”
