Why We May be Hesitant to Reach Out
It’s normal to feel awkward or apprehensive about reaching out of the blue. “When we reach out to a friend we haven’t talked to in a while, it might involve the same level of vulnerabilities or fears of rejection as if we were talking to a stranger,” Marisa G. Franco, PhD, a professor, friendship expert and the author of the forthcoming book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, tells MyLifetime.
It’s helpful to silence any self-talk saying you won’t be well-received. While those fears are understandable, they may not reflect reality. “When we reach out to reconnect, we underestimate just how positively people will receive that act of reconnection,” Dr. Franco says.
You’ve likely heard that we’re in the midst of what national experts have called a loneliness epidemic, with one in three adults in the U.S. feeling lonely and one in four lacking social or emotional support. If you’re in a season of life where you’re craving deeper connection, know that many other people are, too.
Reconnecting with someone from your past is actually one of the easiest ways to foster adult friendships. In fact, Dr. Franco often encourages people to tap into their existing network, no matter how much time has passed. Unlike starting from scratch, there’s already a shared history and plenty of common ground to build on.
How to Make the First Move
Dr. Franco suggests the easiest way to start a conversation with an old friend is to send a text or email reflecting on a shared memory or experience. Tell them what came to mind, following up by saying you wanted to check in and see how things are going. “If it seems like the person is open and communicative, you could say you’d love to reconnect over some coffee sometime and just take it from there,” she shares.
Social media can also offer a lower-pressure way to ease back into someone’s orbit. You stay on their radar by liking or commenting on their posts, or respond to something they shared by sending a thoughtful DM.
Krissy Gasbarre, a writer and editor in San Francisco, revived a relationship with a friend from college when social media had served as their only connection for years. One reached out to the other for advice related to a professional project. “I told her, ‘Here’s my phone number, just text me and let’s find a time to connect.’ We’d had a lot of mutual friends, and it was nice to get a message from her.”
How to Keep the Connection Going
Dr. Franco says if you want the friendship to grow, consistency matters just as much as that first outreach. And, while reaching out is a big first step, small gestures can do the heavy lifting from there.
“Perhaps you can check in about something the friend mentioned during your time together—like an upcoming doctor’s appointment, a show that they’re excited about or any sort of shared interest or hobby they might have,” Dr. Franco says. Better yet, suggest plans for something you know they’d enjoy. That could look like trying a new restaurant, taking a yoga class or going on a local hike.
If there’s physical distance, know that it’s still possible to rekindle and maintain a connection. In Krissy’s case, she and her friend live on opposite coasts, making an in-person reunion more challenging. But that didn’t stop them from staying in touch. From their initial reconnect, the conversation quickly expanded beyond that project into career, family and fitness.
Being timely with responses is an important key to showing up to the friendship. “She sends me voice notes from her sauna,” Gasbarre says. “We’ve both always tried to take care of our bodies to show up fully in our lives, so she seems to understand when I respond, even days later, when I’m out walking the dog.
“It’s been cool to communicate more regularly now. She’s the type of woman I need close to me right now as I navigate career and family stuff and when life gets real.”
What If the Friendship Doesn’t Pick Back Up as You’d Hoped?
Reaching out isn’t guaranteed to be successful—but that’s OK. Don’t take it personally.
“If this person doesn’t seem open to connecting, don’t generalize and assume that no one will be open to it,” Dr. Franco says. “When we look into the research on loneliness, the people that tend to stay lonely are the people that think, If this person rejects me, everybody is going to reject me, and I’m never going to be able to make a friend. But rejection is part of the process of reaching out for connection—it’s not a sign that something is wrong with you.”
Plus, it’s possible that they’re simply in a busy season of life. Your message may have opened the door to reconnecting later on.
It can also help to let go of the expectation that the friendship has to look exactly the way it once did. Dr. Franco suggests approaching it as a new chapter rather than trying to recreate the old one. It doesn’t have to return to what it was to be valuable.
But if someone’s been on your mind lately, consider that you may have crossed theirs, too—and we need connection as much as ever. Reach out for their sake as much as your own. Checking in after all of these years might look as small as a quick text, and it could take a little time and space to find new footing together, but it could be the start of a meaningful new chapter.
